


Holding on

by darkmoore



Category: Stargate Atlantis
Genre: M/M, PTSD John
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-03
Updated: 2014-02-03
Packaged: 2018-01-11 02:10:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1167377
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/darkmoore/pseuds/darkmoore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sequel to "Yellow ribbons" - Rodney reflects on the past months<br/>In the end they had all but dumped him at the front door without so much as a ‘Thank you for your service, Sir, but you’re not needed any more.’</p>
            </blockquote>





	Holding on

**Author's Note:**

> A big thank you goes to my sis, ca_pierson for the awesome beta. Special thanks to brumeier and joidianne4eva for cheerleading and much needed encouragement. THANK YOU ALL you are amazing!

In the end they had all but dumped him at the front door without so much as a ‘Thank you for your service, Sir, but you’re not needed any more.’ He’d had a bruised look around his eyes, scars on his skin and paperwork in his pocket that said he wasn’t dead after all. Rodney had opened the door to the house that had once been their home, looking at the man he’d vowed to love and be there for ‘til death do us part’. It had felt like he’d just invited a virtual stranger into his home. 

They’d told him that it would be hard. In reality it was worse. 

John ate little, slept even less, and had pretty much stopped talking altogether. He was a ghost, the shadow of the man he’d once been, and Rodney prepared to pick up the pieces of his shattered life for the second time in less than four years. To him, giving up just wasn’t an option. 

Even though they’d released him from hospital, John’s medical discharge came with a multitude of therapy attached. Physiotherapy for his busted knee, his broken wrist, his banged up back. A counselor was supposed to help with the PTSD, but didn’t get through to John in the slightest - Rodney would bet money on that. He certainly didn’t help with the nightmares or the aggression John was trying so hard to suppress. 

They didn’t touch anymore and their one try at having sex together had ended in a catastrophe with John needing another cast because he’d punched a wall. After that Rodney signed the whole family up for therapy with a counselor of his choice. He didn’t feel bad in the least for having guilt tripped John into agreeing. 

The kids dealt about as poorly with the change in situation as was to be expected. Sarah, who had been barely 26 months old when John left for Afghanistan and didn’t remember John at all, began to wet her bed again at the age of five. Nathan reacted to the underlying aggression in John’s behavior with aggression of his own: a nine year old tiny warrior, out to protect his Daddy from a father that was a stranger to him. 

Some days Rodney didn’t know how to gather the strength to carry on. All he had was the strong believe that the man he had fallen in love and built a family with was still in there somewhere, in that broken, hurting shell of a human being he’d become. That one day, the real John would emerge again and they could have their happily ever after. 

Days turned to weeks and weeks to months. They struggled, taking one day at a time. Baby steps Rodney liked to call it but in reality it wasn’t even that. It was one step forward and three steps back. It was John wandering around the house at night, too restless and in too much pain to sleep. It was the slow, painful re-learning of an intimacy that once had been as natural to them as breathing. It was trying to make up for missed birthdays, missed school plays and missed Christmases. It was putting labels onto the cupboards and drawers because after all this time John had forgotten where the dishes were stored and what drawer held the cutlery. It was trying to fit John into that empty place that had been left unfilled for years, only to discover that somehow the shapes didn’t match any more.

Another season of yellow ribbons came and went. 

John lost the haunted look in his eyes and the limp that had been bothering him so much. Rodney remembered that he didn’t need to raise the children alone any more. John began to talk to his family again and Rodney stopped waking up at night to check if John was still there, breathing next to him. The day Sarah crawled into John’s lap so that he could read a story to her, Rodney cried. They still had a long way ahead of them, but at least none of them would have to walk it alone. 

The sound of laughter pulled Rodney backto the present. John was out in the backyard, building a snowman with the children, even though from the sounds of it, by now it was more likely a snow-fight. 

Rodney got up and looked out of the window in time to see John stuff a hand full of snow into Nate’s collar. Nate screeched and with the help of his sister tackled John onto the ground where the two of them loaded heaps of snow onto a laughing John. 

Stepping back from the window Rodney smiled. Joy and laughter had returned to them, even if it had taken a bit of time. Their life wasn’t perfect – not by a long shot – but they were living again instead of just surviving and on some days, that was all you could ask for.


End file.
